Mitch Hedberg citations

Page 3

“(referring to his drink) I got two straws here, in case one breaks down. You know Crazy Straws, they go all over the place? These fuckin' straws are sane. They never lost their minds. They said "We're going straight to the mouth. That fucker who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."”

“(From the enclosed booklet) Jamaican Air -- Every flight is the red-eye!”

“On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?”

“Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say "I'm gonna go shave, too."”

“I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says "Can I help you?"”

“If I worked at a store and a duck came in I would like just give him some bread-- "sure man no problem-- tell your friends"--- but I would not give him Pepperidge Farm bread…. You know that stuff right? you open it and it still ain't open. That is why I do not buy it. Cause I do not need another step, between me and toast."”

“I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it… So that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.”

“Remember that show 'My Three Sons'? It'd be funny if it was called 'My One Dad'… wait, what?”

“I met a girl who works at the Double Tree front desk, she gave me her phone number. It's zero. I tried to call her from here and some other woman answered. I said "You sound older!"”

“My friend said to me "I think the weather's trippy." I said "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought "Man, I should have just said 'Yeah.'"”

“I like it when people laugh for no reason… like that lady over there.”

“I can read minds but, it's pointless cause I'm illiterate. I'd know what you were thinking, if I could read. (laugh) I tried to add on to that joke. I got busted. Thought I could squeeze a couple more laughs out of it but, it was not to be.”

“Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.”

“I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.”

“I like an escalator, because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just an, "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."”

“I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music… So when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say "Go around! I cannot open the wall! I don't know if you have a door on your side, but over here there's nothin.'”

“If I bought a company that made hot dog buns, on Day 1 we would add two buns to every package… Day 2, work on deliciousness.”

“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so … yeah."”

“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?”

“I get the Reese's candy bar, if you read that name Reese's that's an apostrophe-S. Reese-apostrophe-S, on the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his, I didn't know that! Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy name Reese comes by and says "Let me have that," you'd better hand it over. "I'm sorry, Reese, I didn't think I'd ever run into you! You're a fuckin' bully, man! Let me at least have a piece!"”

“What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.”

“A fly was very close to being called a "land," cause that's what they do half the time.”

“I was walking down the street the other day when this guy asked if I wanted a frozen banana…I said 'no' but then thought I might want a regular banana later, so…yeah.”

“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”

“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”

“My girl works at Hooters, in the kitchen.”

“The Kit-Kat candy bar has the name 'Kit-Kat' imprinted into the chocolate… That robs you of chocolate! That is a clever chocolate saving technique. I go down to the factory "You owe me some letters!"”

“I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized.”

“Vending machines are a big part of my life. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before then it was hard times for the vending machine owners, "What candy bar are you getting?", "That one… and every one on the bottom row!"”