Bill Bailey citations

“[as George W. Bush] I will tame evil, I will get the evil ones, We must find the evil ones. We must get evil, we must laminate evil, we must wear it round our necks, at the backstage party in paradise!”

“But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"”

“God, I'm in the same studio as de Burgh! He may have stood right where I'm standing now… and just thought his mad thoughts. Like "I am brilliant."”

“Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard”

“Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently… [Wild laughter and applause from audience]”

“There's more evil in the charts than in an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.”

“Was he a Swiss nationalist, or a nutso with a crossbow? I don't know.”

“I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine”

“It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life…”

“(After asking the audience about their negative experiences with Marijuana)
BB: So, what form did these experiences take?
Audience Member: Swimming with dolphins! (mentioned earlier on the show)
BB: (misunderstands) Dolby? What, you hear everything with a slightly reduced hiss? (As Audience Member) I like to hear the world in Dolby, it's fantastic! Mind you, it means that no snake will I ever hear. And I said that in a very strange way. [As Yoda] No snake will I ever hear, mmm! [Normally] Never put Dolby on snake detectors, that's what we must remember.”

“Juxtaposition, you can't handle the juxtaposition!”

“Grey and grey and grey and grey”

“Anyway, beards and drugs leads me neatly to the Taliban; were they really that backward, or were they the finest minds of the fourteenth century? Nobody seems to know or care. That ideology was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs: The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the segregation and humiliation of women from the world of golf.”

“Beautiful ladies in danger. Danger all around the world. But I will protect them, because I am Chris de Burgh! Beautiful ladies in emergency situations. Beautiful ladies are lovely but sometimes they don't take care
They're too busy with their makeup and combing their lovely hairTo take basic safety precautions But I will protect them I will save the pretty onesWith their smiles and their beautiful eyesBut let the ugly ones dieI have no place for them in my new world orderI won't waste my seed on hideous trollsKill kill kill kill kill the trolls hunt them down there shall be no clemencyKill kill kill kill kill the trollsLook under the bridges that's where they hideThat's where they hideAnd beauty shall be my bride.”

“What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.”

“Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.”

“There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.”

“James Blunt - a man who recently got voted more annoying than paper cuts.”

“There’s this one celebrity, Rosie O’Donnell, a talk show host, and she said this: “I don’t know anything about Afghanistan, but I know it’s full of terrorists, speaking as a mother.” So what is this "speaking as a mother" then? Is that a euphemism for "talking out of my arse"? "Suspending rational thought for a moment"? As a rational human being, Al-Qaeda are a loose association of psychopathic zealots who could be rounded up with a sustained police investigation. But speaking as a parent, they’re all eight foot tall, they’ve got lasers under their moustaches, a huge eye in their foreheads and the only way to kill them is to NUKE every country that hasn’t sent us a Christmas card in the the last 20 years!! "Speaking as a mother".”

“(Quoting his three year old son on a James Blunt song) "Daddy, turn it off, it's spoiling my brain"”

“This is the news theme, but it sounds like pure Hollywood entertainment. It sounds like E. T. on a horse being chased by Darth Vader, which is something I'd love to see.”

“… have a banana!”

“"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers? [Audience wildly applauds]”

“Not a very well-known fact, but on planes they always carry a trombone just in case there's a disaster and they need to keep morale up. All cabin crew - fully proficient in the trombone. And of course there's a double facility: if you ditch at sea, it can be used as a snorkel.”

“You're absolutely right, Hitler was a vegetarian. It's very unseemly to think so, but there he was. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.”

“I was digging with a fork out of the kitchen drawer, sewing tictacs, I didn't know what the hell I was doing. After a bit I got bored and just started burying cheap spoons to baffle the archaeologists of the future. [On gardening]”

“There is one language I can't understand, because it's from another planet, another dimension - that is the language of dentists. They speak in some kind of code, it's quite disturbing and sinister. They'll talk to you perfectly normally. You'll be sitting there like that Saloth Sar!' Just to let them know I'm onto them I always freak them out right back - they look down and say 'Everything alright?' and I look up and I say (in chair, psychotic voice) 'The pheasant has no agenda'.
Ch. 23, 51:53”

“And just as he said that a feminist jumped out of a manhole - just jumped up and oh, and she didn't like that.”

“[Singing as U2, in Irish accent] Hello! Some old Celtic bollocks!”