“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.”
The Illiterate Digest (1924)
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“Well, all I know is what I read in the papers.”
Nationally syndicated column number 42, Blames All Ills on Earthquake (1923). This became a remark Rogers often used in his public appearances.
Weekly columns
“I never met a man I didn’t like.”
Nationally syndicated column number 219, Rogers Gets Six Shiny Dimes From Oil King (1927). <ref name=columns2>
Weekly columns
Variant: I never met a man that I didn't like.
“Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.”
"Politics Getting Ready to Jell" <!-- p. 265 -->
The Illiterate Digest (1924)
Context: Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth.... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.
“Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.”
Variant: Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
“Everyone is ignorant, only on different subjects.”
Nationally syndicated column number 90, From Nuts To The Soup (31 August 1924); published in The New York Times http://select.nytimes.com/gst/abstract.html?res=F50A12F83D551B7A93C3AA1783D85F408285F9
Weekly columns
Variant: Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
“When you find yourself in a hole, quit digging.”
Variant: If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
“Diplomacy is the same as saying "nice doggie" until you have a chance to pick up a rock.”
Attributed to Francis Rodman, in volume 64 of The Reader's digest (1954)
Other variants also attributed to Wynn Catlin in Kiss Me Hardy : Quotations Ancient and (Very) Modern (1982) by Roger Kilroy; and to Winston Churchill by Dick Applegate in a speech reprinted in Volume 75 of "The Carpenter" (1955)
Misattributed
“We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.”
As quoted in The Complete Speaker's Index to Selected Stories for Every Occasion (1967) by Jacob Morton Braude, p. 16
Variant: We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
As quoted in Peter's Quotations : Ideas for Our Time (1979) by Laurence J. Peter, p. 240
As quoted in ...
Variant: We all can't be heroes, for someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.