Tom Lehrer: Trending quotes

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Tom Lehrer: 120 quotes5 likes

“It's only for a week so have no fear!
Be grateful that it doesn't last all year!”

"National Brotherhood Week", closing stanza
That Was the Year That Was (1965)

“Yes, he loved his mother like no other,
His daughter was his sister and his son was his brother.
One thing on which you can depend is,
He sure knew who a boy's best friend is.”

"Oedipus Rex"
An Evening (Wasted) With Tom Lehrer (1959)

“The real issues I don't think most people touch. The Clinton jokes are all about Monica Lewinsky and all that stuff and not about the important things, like the fact that he wouldn't ban landmines.”

Sydney Morning Herald interview (2003)

“"Life is like a sewer — what you get out of it depends on what you put into it." It's always seemed to me that this is precisely the sort of dynamic, positive thinking that we so desperately need today in these trying times of crisis and universal brouhaha.”

Introduction to "We Will All Go Together When We Go"
An Evening (Wasted) With Tom Lehrer (1959)

“I ache for the touch of your lips, dear,
But much more for the touch of your whips, dear.
You can raise welts
Like nobody else,
As we dance to the Masochism Tango.”

"The Masochism Tango"
An Evening (Wasted) With Tom Lehrer (1959)

“Any ideas expressed on this record should not be taken as representing Mr. Lehrer's true convictions, for indeed he has none. "If anyone objects to any statement I make," he has said, "I am quite prepared not only to retract it, but also to deny under oath that I ever made it."”

Source: That Was the Year That Was (1965), Liner notes

“Get in line in that processional,
Step into that small confessional.
There the guy who's got religion'll
Tell you if your sin's original.
If it is, try playin' it safer,
Drink the wine and chew the wafer,
Two, four, six, eight,
Time to transubstantiate!”

"The Vatican Rag"
That Was the Year That Was (1965)

“I do have a cause, though. It is obscenity. I'm for it.”

Introduction to "Smut"
That Was the Year That Was (1965)

“Andrew Wiles gently smiles,
Does his thing, and voila!
Q. E. D., we agree,
And we all shout hurrah!
As he confirms what Fermat
Jotted down in that margin,
Which could've used some enlargin.”

That's Mathematics (verse added in 1993 to celebrate the achievement of Andrew Wiles)

“I'd like to take you now, on wings of song as it were, and try and help you forget for a while your drab, wretched lives.”

Introduction to "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park"
An Evening (Wasted) With Tom Lehrer (1959)

“The usual jokes about the Army aside, one of the many fine things one has to admit is the way that the Army has carried the American democratic ideal to its logical conclusion, in the sense that not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on the grounds of ability.”

Introduction to "It Makes a Fellow Proud to be a Soldier"
An Evening (Wasted) With Tom Lehrer (1959)

“I find enough mystery in mathematics to satisfy my spiritual needs. I think, for example, that pi is mysterious enough (don't get me started!) without having to worry about God. Or if pi isn't enough, how about fractals? or quantum mechanics?”

Interview at celebathiests.com (June 1996)

“Oh, the white folks hate the black folks,
And the black folks hate the white folks;
To hate all but the right folks
Is an old established rule.”

"National Brotherhood Week"
That Was the Year That Was (1965)
Variant: Oh, the poor folks hate the rich folks,
And the rich folks hate the poor folks.
All of my folks hate all of your folks,
It's American as apple pie.

“The audience usually has to be with you, I'm afraid. I always regarded myself as not even preaching to the converted, I was titillating the converted.
The audiences like to think that satire is doing something. But, in fact, it is mostly to leave themselves satisfied. Satisfied rather than angry, which is what they should be.”

Sydney Morning Herald interview (2003)

“So get down upon your knees,
Fiddle with your rosaries,
Bow your head with great respect,
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!”

"The Vatican Rag"
That Was the Year That Was (1965)

“A few years ago, a motion picture version appeared of Sophocles' immortal tragedy "Oedipus Rex". This picture played only in the so-called art theaters, and it was not a financial success. And I maintain that the reason it was not a financial success… you're way ahead of me… was that it did not have a title tune which the people could hum, and which would make them actually eager to attend this particular… flick. So, I've attempted to supply this, and here then is the prospective title song from "Oedipus Rex".”

Intro to "Oedipus Rex"
An Evening (Wasted) With Tom Lehrer (1959)

“I really don't consider myself a performer by temperament.”

Insider Audio interview (1997)

“Take your cigarette from its holder,
And burn your initials in my shoulder.
Fracture my spine,
And swear that you're mine,
As we dance to the Masochism Tango.”

"The Masochism Tango"
An Evening (Wasted) With Tom Lehrer (1959)

“So be sweet and kind to mother
Now and then, have a chat!
Buy her candy or some flowers or a brand-new hat
But maybe you best let it go at that!
Or you may find yourself with a quite complex
…Com-plex!
…and…
You may end up like Oedipus
I'd rather marry a duck-billed platypus!
Than end up like poor Oedipus Rex!”

"Oedipus Rex", final stanza
An Evening (Wasted) With Tom Lehrer (1959)

“The loveliest girl in Vienna
Was Alma, the smartest as well.
Once you picked her up on your antenna,
You'd never be free of her spell.”

"Alma"
That Was the Year That Was (1965)