Mark Twain: Trending quotes (page 24)

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“I take my only exercise acting as pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercised regularly.”

Source Undetermined in Everyone's Mark Twain (1972) compiled by Caroline Thomas Harnsberger, p. 161
Disputed

“Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.”

"The Chronicle of Young Satan" (ca. 1897–1900, unfinished), published posthumously in Mark Twain's Mysterious Stranger Manuscripts (1969), ed. William Merriam Gibson ( pp. 165–166 http://books.google.com/books?id=LDvA2xcYZKcC&pg=PA165 in the 2005 paperback printing, ).
Source: The Mysterious Stranger and Other Curious Tales
Context: Your race, in its poverty, has unquestionably one really effective weapon—laughter. Power, Money, Persuasion, Supplication, Persecution—these can lift at a colossal humbug,—push it a little—crowd it a little—weaken it a little, century by century: but only Laughter can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of Laughter nothing can stand.

“There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist, except an old optimist.”

Variant: There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist, except an old optimist.

“In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.”

Source: The Innocents Abroad (1869), Ch. 61.
Context: The people of those foreign countries are very, very ignorant. They looked curiously at the costumes we had brought from the wilds of America. They observed that we talked loudly at table sometimes. They noticed that we looked out for expenses and got what we conveniently could out of a franc, and wondered where in the mischief we came from. In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.

“Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.”

"Advice to Youth", speech to The Saturday Morning Club, Boston, 15 April 1882. Mark Twain Speaking (1976), ed. Paul Fatout, p. 169 http://books.google.com/books?id=mkFgXWvUkVoC&pg=PA169
Variant: Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.
Source: The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain

Mark Twain quote: “Distance lends enchantment to the view.”

“Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.”

Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar, Ch. LIX
Following the Equator (1897)

“It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.”

Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar, Ch. VIII
Following the Equator (1897)