Dave Barry: Trending quotes

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Dave Barry: 242 quotes6 likes

“In sports, the U. S. Open is not actually held because it's more efficient just to mail the check to Tiger Woods.”

Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far) (2007)

“The best way to learn Japanese is to be born as a Japanese baby, in Japan, raised by a Japanese family.”

Dave Barry Does Japan (1992)

“Winter's here, and you feel lousy: You're coughing and sneezing; your muscles ache; your nose is an active mucus volcano. These symptoms -- so familiar at this time of year -- can mean only one thing: Tiny fanged snails are eating your brain.”

Dave Barry

The Miami Herald, originally 16 November 2003
Columns and articles

“I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.”

Dave Barry

Columns and articles <br class="br">Source: New York Times News Service article http://docs.newsbank.com/openurl?ctx_ver=z39.88-2004&rft_id=info:sid/iw.newsbank.com:AWNB:ORLB&rft_val_format=info:ofi/fmt:kev:mtx:ctx&rft_dat=0EB4F0B407FF900A&svc_dat=InfoWeb:aggregated5&req_dat=25BDDD9B91CF4278985B1339326C0BAB on reactions to the death of Superman, November 1992

“Tiger Woods is kidnapped by rival golfers, sedated, handcuffed, placed in a straitjacket, wrapped in chains, and locked inside a trunk, which is then weighted with concrete blocks and dropped into the deepest part of the Pacific Ocean. He easily wins the PGA Championship.”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far) (2007)

“We travel because, no matter how comfortable we are at home, there's a part of us that wants - that needs - to see new vistas, take new tours, obtain new traveler's checks, buy new souvenirs, order new entrees, introduce new bacteria into our intestinal tracts, learn new words for "transfusion," and have all the other travel adventures that make us want to french-kiss our doormats when we finally get home.”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need (1991)

“U. S. News Organizations observe the anniversary of September 11 with investigations about the nation's continuing vulnerability to terrorism. First, the New York Daily News reports that two of its reporters carried box cutters, razor knives, and pepper spray on fourteen commercial flights without getting caught. Then ABC News reports that it smuggled fifteen pounds of uranium into New York City. Then Fox News reports that it flew Osama bin Laden to Washington, D. C., and videotaped him touring the White House.”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far) (2007)

“I took an estimated two thousand years of high school French, and when I finally got to France, I discovered that I didn't know one single phrase that was actually useful in a real-life French situation.”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need (1991)

“What, exactly, is the Internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a "modem" can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo.”

Dave Barry

Column for August 22, 1999 http://docs.newsbank.com/openurl?ctx_ver=z39.88-2004&rft_id=info:sid/iw.newsbank.com:AWNB:WPIW&rft_val_format=info:ofi/fmt:kev:mtx:ctx&rft_dat=0EB2C3CA5DAE0B10&svc_dat=InfoWeb:aggregated5&req_dat=25BDDD9B91CF4278985B1339326C0BAB <br class="br">Columns and articles

“What was life like in the colonies? Probably the best word to describe it would be "colonial."”

Dave Barry

Nonfiction, Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway (2001)

“Other nations are not allowed to mess around with the internal affairs of nations in this hemisphere.”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States (1989)

“During the warm season (August 8 and 9), Maine is a true "vacation paradise," offering visitors a chance to jump into crystal-clear mountain lakes and see if they can get back out again before their bodily tissue is frozen as solid as a supermarket turkey.”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need (1991)

“The problem is, when Oprah lost all that weight, her head didn't get any smaller. And so she looks kind of like a person carrying a balloon.”

Dave Barry

Playboy interview, May 1990
Columns and articles

“But Nebraska was not always a bed of roses. When the first settlers arrived, they found a harsh, unforgiving place, a vast treeless expanse of barren, drought-parched soil. And so, summoning up the dynamic pioneer spirit of hope and steely determination, they left. But a few of them remained and built sod houses, which are actually made of dirt. Think about that. You can't clean a sod house, because it would be gone. The early settlers had a hell of a time getting this through to their children. "You kids stop tracking dirt out of the house!"”

Dave Barry

they'd yell.
Nonfiction, Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need (1991)

“A lot of people were very upset, especially people in Palm Beach County, who were saying that they had accidentally voted for Pat Buchanan, which was clearly a mistake. Even Pat Buchanan admitted this.”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway (2001)

“The Constitution of the United States of America, Article V, Section 1: "There shall be a National Anthem containing incomprehensible words and a high note that normal humans cannot hit without risk of hernia."”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway (2001)

“But I do think we need to explore the commitment problem, which has caused many women to mistakenly conclude that men, as a group, have the emotional maturity of hamsters. This is not the case. A hamster is MUCH more capable of making a lasting commitment to a woman, especially if she gives it those little food pellets. Whereas a guy, in a relationship, will consume the pellets of companionship, and he will run on the exercise wheel of lust; but as soon as he senses that the door of commitment is about to close and trap him in the wire cage of true intimacy, he'll squirm out, scamper across the kitchen floor of uncertainty and hide under the refrigerator of Non-Readiness.”

Dave Barry

Column, August 18, 1991
Columns and articles

“But when it came to eloquence, George [ H. W.] Bush was Winston Churchill compared with his vice president, the legendary J. Danforth Quayle. You never knew what Dan was going to say next, and the wonderful thing was, Dan clearly didn't know either. He'd be asked a question, and he'd start talking, and you could see in his eyes that he was thinking, Ohmigod I'm talking and I HAVE NO EARTHLY IDEA WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING RIGHT NOW!”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway (2001)

“When I purchase a food item at the supermarket, I can be confident that the label will state how much riboflavin is in it. The United States government requires this, and for a good reason, which is: I have no idea. I don't even know what riboflavin is. I do know I eat a lot of it. For example, I often start the day with a hearty Kellogg's strawberry Pop-Tart, which has, according to the label, a riboflavin rating of 10 percent. I assume this means that 10 percent of the Pop-Tart is riboflavin. Maybe it's the red stuff in the middle. Anyway, I'm hoping riboflavin is a good thing; if it turns out that it's a bad thing, like "riboflavin" is the Latin word for "cockroach pus," then I am definitely in trouble.”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway (2001)

“We must always remember that, as Americans, we all have a common enemy -- an enemy that is dangerous, powerful and relentless. I refer, of course, to the federal government.”

Dave Barry

Washington Post December 19, 2004 http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A218-2004Dec14.html (Second Source: A video of Dave Barry reacting to a university response to this quote) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tE3REvTJjXU, <br class="br">Columns and articles