Dave Barry: Trending quotes

Dave Barry trending quotes. Read the latest quotes in collection
Dave Barry: 242 quotes6 likes

“But if I hadn't shoved you off the boat back there, you'd be lost at sea now, wouldn't you? We'd all be lost! So thanks to me you're all standing on land."
(Pirates, its a good thing they're idiots)”

Dave Barry book Peter and the Starcatchers

Source: Peter and the Starcatchers

“Sir,” James asked, “what are we going to do?”
“We’re going to look for water,” said Alf.
“And food?” said Tubby Ted.
“Water first,” said Alf. “We can go days without food.”
“We can what?” Tubby Ted shouted.”

Dave Barry book Peter and the Starcatchers

Source: Peter and the Starcatchers

“He was distracted by a giggle, and turned to see a rare sight: a girl.”

Dave Barry book Peter and the Starcatchers

Source: Peter and the Starcatchers

“His body rigid with terror as he waited for the savages to something horrible to him—bash his head with clubs, or stab him with spears, or…
…or tap him on the shoulder.”

Dave Barry book Peter and the Starcatchers

Source: Peter and the Starcatchers

“Seriously? You won’t help me?”
“Help yourself get killed? No, I won’t.”

Dave Barry book Peter and the Starcatchers

Source: Peter and the Starcatchers

“You might have mentioned this to me Molly,” said Leonard. “The fact that there are hostile natives on the island.”
“I forgot,” said Molly.
“You forgot?” said Leonard.
“There’s been a lot happening,” said Molly.”

Dave Barry book Peter and the Starcatchers

Source: Peter and the Starcatchers

“The Mollusks—generous hosts when they weren’t trying to kill you.”

Dave Barry book Peter and the Starcatchers

Source: Peter and the Starcatchers

“Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have around the Home.”

Dave Barry

Source: Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have around the Home

“We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.”

Dave Barry

“We need our highest judicial body to stop this childish bickering and get back to debating the kinds of weighty constitutional issues that have absorbed the court in recent years, such as whether a city can legally force an exotic dancer to cover her entire nipple, or just the part that pokes out.”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry Is Not Making This Up http://books.google.com/books?id=Dl1Q8FYJT1cC&amp;pg=PA57&amp;dq=%22We+need+our+highest+judicial+body+to+stop+this+childish+bickering%22&amp;hl=en&amp;sa=X&amp;ei=2H22UMHfGYeGiQKdp4GwBw&amp;ved=0CDAQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&amp;q=%22We%20need%20our%20highest%20judicial%20body%20to%20stop%20this%20childish%20bickering%22&amp;f=false <br class="br">Dave Barry is not Making This Up (1994)

“In sports, Vijay Singh wins the Masters golf tournament and is awarded the coveted green jacket, which is quickly snatched away by angry Buick executives and given to Tiger Woods.”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far) (2007)

“Of course it’s possible that there really ISN’T any shadow government. The whole thing could be a phony story that was fed to The Washington Post to mislead our enemies. As you recall, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld recently admitted that the Pentagon had set up an office-officially named "The Office of Disinformation"-that was supposed to put out false statements to the media, thus throwing our enemies off the track. For example, if we were getting ready to attack Iraq, officials of the Office of Disinformation would hold a press conference and state: "Well, we’re certainly not going to attack Iraq!"”

Dave Barry

The news media would report this, and Iraq would relax. France, meanwhile, would surrender.
Column for week of April 15, 2002
Columns and articles

“Stalin's strategy at the end of World War II was to acquire a small "buffer zone between Russia and Germany, consisting of Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Poland, Czechoslovakia, Hungary, Romania, Bulgaria, Yugoslavia, Albania, and most of Germany. In an effort to garner public support in these nations, Stalin mounted a public-relations campaign around the upbeat theme "Maybe We Won't Have Your Whole Family Shot," and in 1945 Eastern Europe decided to join the Communist bloc by a vote of 28,932,084,164,504,029-0. Heartened by this mandate, Stalin immediately ordered construction work to begin on the Iron Curtain, which was given its name by Sir Winston Churchill, who, in a historic anecdote at a dinner party, said, "Madam, I may be drunk, but an iron curtain has descended upon BLEAAARRRGGGHHH."”

Dave Barry

Source: Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States (1989), p. 126

“The transportation bill had over $5 billion worth of special local projects and favors attached to it, lamprey-like, by various congresspersons. But this is good, because these projects will CREATE JOBS. See, when the GOVERNMENT spends money, it creates jobs; whereas when the money is left in the hands of TAXPAYERS, God only knows what they do with it. Bake it into pies, probably. Anything to avoid creating jobs.”

Dave Barry

Column for week of February 29, 1992 http://news.google.com/newspapers?id=HgBOAAAAIBAJ&amp;sjid=5osDAAAAIBAJ&amp;pg=5149,5086013&amp;dq=dave-barry+pie+bake&amp;hl=en <br class="br">Columns and articles

“What Dad means by "see" of course, is "drive past at 67 miles per hour." Dad feels it is a foolish waste of valuable vacation time to get out of the car and actually go look at an attraction.”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need (1991)

“Denmark (also called "Norway") is best known as the original home of the prune Danish as well as the Vikings, who wore hats with horns sticking out of them, and for a very good reason: they were insane.”

Dave Barry

Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need (1991)

“As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.”

Dave Barry

Column, The Miami Herald, 21 January 1996
Columns and articles

“Thus was born the civil rights movement, an epic struggle that has required much sacrifice and pain, but which has enabled the United States to progress, in just three decades, from being a nation where blacks were forced to ride in the back of the bus, to being a nation where, due to federal cutbacks, there is no bus.”

Dave Barry

Source: Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States (1989), p. 138