Bill Maher: Trending quotes

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Bill Maher: 282 quotes4 likes

“We do it all the time, we legislate taste. We do it with the tax code. Churches and children get a tax break, because it's assumed that we all agree that we want to encourage churches and children. I don't. I don't. That's my opinion. I don't want to encourage either churches or children, and it's a very bad idea to put them together.”

Bill Maher

I'm Swiss (2005)

“1 out of 4 Americans believes Jesus will return in their lifetime. See, that's religion: ego masquerading as humility. "Jesus is coming back! Of course he's gonna wanna meet me!… Hi, Jesus, Bob Flemstein, big fan! I know you're crazy busy with the rapture and everything, but… could you sign? I don't wanna be that guy, but…"”

Bill Maher

But I'm Not Wrong (2010)

“What I have against religion is that they start you when you are so defenseless. I mean, I was three when they started pumping this bullshit into my head. I believed in Santa Claus and the Fairy Godmother, of course I believed in a virgin birth, and a guy lived in a whale, and a woman came from a rib. But then something happened that made me doubt all of it: I graduated sixth grade!”

Bill Maher

Victory Begins at Home (20 January 2004)

“I'm a libertarian, which means I'm against the government doing almost anything. But citizens having arsenals? No, that is the kind of rough stuff I would like the government to get involved in…. It just seems the debate, — you know, they will not give an inch. There are many attempts to pass a law in states just requesting a limit of buying one gun a month, and it doesn't pass. People are like, "What about Christmas?" I mean, one gun a month. If you started when you were 18, by the time you were 60 that's over a thousand guns. I don't care how small your penis is, that should be enough guns.”

Bill Maher

Be More Cynical (2000)

“Van Jones got fired because he became the Scary Negro of the Week on Fox News, where, let's be honest, they still feel threatened by Harry Belafonte.”

Bill Maher

New Rule: Float Like Obama, Sting Like Ali (2009)

“I am so tired of rearranging my life around what the stupidest people might do.”

Bill Maher

The Golden Goose Special (1997)

“You have to understand the Tea-bagger mindset; they have this nostalgia for this America that they think was stolen from them, that used to be, that was better – it's really the 1950s, okay? That's what they think was Shangri-La, and, y'know what they really don't get is that it's kind of insulting to a lot of Americans to pine for this era, cause it wasn't that good for a lot of people. It was good if you were a white man. It wasn't that good if you were Mexican, or black, or Jewish, or disabled, or gay, or a woman.”

Bill Maher

But I'm Not Wrong (2010)

“Over the last 30 odd years, Democrats have moved to the right and the right has moved into a mental hospital. So what we have is one perfectly good party for hedge fund managers, credit card companies, banks, defense contractors, big agriculture and the pharmaceutical lobby… That's the Democrats. And they sit across the aisle from a small group of religious lunatics, flat-earthers and civil war re-enactors who mostly communicate by AM radio and call themselves the Republicans and who actually worry that Obama is a socialist. Socialist? He's not even a liberal.”

Bill Maher

"From Elites to Jesus" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0sNJhphi7U <br class="br">Real Time with Bill Maher

“And that's the key to George W. Bush: It's that he wants to be the smartest person in the room. But in order to be the smartest person in the room, you kinda have to fill that room with a lot of dim bulbs. And that's where we get the Alberto Gonzaleses, and the Harriet Mierses, and the "you're-doing-a-heck-of-a-job-Brownie"'s.”

Bill Maher

The Decider (21 July 2007)

“If it wasn't about race, y'know, if it was really about what the Tea Party says their issue is – deficits – who ran up all that debt? Bush! Where was the Tea Party then? The two wars we put on the credit card, the prescription drug program that wasn't paid for, the tax cuts that weren't paid for, where were they then? *crickets!* But as soon as President Nosferatu took office, then, suddenly, debt is intolerable. I think there's just something they don't like about him… I cannot put my finger on what it is… Just some way he's not like them… Skinny! That's probably what it is. He's skinny, and that's why they hate him… Oh, and also that he's a Muslim socialist out to destroy America and wave his African wonder-schlong in your daughter's face.”

Bill Maher

Crazy Stupid Politics (2012)

“72 Virgins" is very suspicious to me. It's a clue. It tells you we're dealing with people from a bartering culture. Because nobody starts with that number; somebody said, "100 virgins!" "50!" "85!" "69!" "79!" "71!" "73!" "72!" "Done!”

Bill Maher

That's how you got 72.
Victory Begins at Home (20 January 2004)

“Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people.”

Bill Maher

Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.
I'm Swiss (2005)

“Rush Limbaugh, who has made a career preaching that anybody who does drugs has got to go right to jail -- do not pass go, no questions asked, right to jail -- gets caught doing thirty oxycontin a day.”

Bill Maher

Thirty oxycontin?! Do you have any idea how high that is?! I don't, and I've been pretty high!
I'm Swiss (2005)

“Couples should explore their mutual fantasies.”

Bill Maher

There's no such thing as a mutual fantasy. Yours bore us; ours offend you.
Victory Begins at Home (20 January 2004)

“Charlton Heston…recently was re-elected president of the NRA for the third term. And they made an exception, because their charter, their constitution, says you can only have two terms, but they changed it. Ah. So constitutions can change. Interesting. Because it is called the Second Amendment.”

Bill Maher

The word "amendment" itself means, "We had another thought! We re-thought something!"
Be More Cynical (2000)

“Work in the fields? Senator, I'm a house nigga.”

Bill Maher

Real Time With Bill Maher https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=prqM4Q9zQFE (02 June 2017)

“Acknowledging progress isn’t saying ‘we’re done’ or ‘we don’t need more’, and being gloomy doesn’t make you a better person.”

Bill Maher

New Rule: ‘Progressophobia’, (2021)

“If you think America is more racist now than ever, more sexist than before women could vote and more homophobic than when blow jobs were a felony, you have ‘Progressophobia’ and you should adjust your mask because it’s covering your eyes.”

Bill Maher

New Rule: ‘Progressophobia’, (2021)

“Why do we allow the people who just want to bitch to always win?”

Bill Maher

New Rule: ‘The Woke Olympics’, (2021)

“Young people have to stop flattering themselves that they're Nostradamus and would have foreseen, had they been around then, everything that's unacceptable now. And for further context Mel Brooks wrote one of the most successful musicals of all time around the song 'Springtime for Hitler.'”

Bill Maher

New Rule: ‘The Woke Olympics’, (2021)