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“Freemasons, n. An order with secret rites, grotesque ceremonies and fantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II, among working artisans of London, has been joined successively by the dead of past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces all the generations of man on the hither side of Adam and is drumming up distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of Chaos and Formless Void. The order was founded at different times by Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoroaster, Confucius, Thothmes, and Buddha. Its emblems and symbols have been found in the Catacombs of Paris and Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and the Chinese Great Wall, among the temples of Karnak and Palmyra and in the Egyptian Pyramids — always by a Freemason.”

Ambrose Bierce book The Devil's Dictionary

The Devil's Dictionary (1911)

“Self-denial is indulgence of a propensity to forego.”

Ambrose Bierce

Sometimes quoted with the spelling "forgo", but Bierce used "forego" in his 1911 Collected Works
Epigrams

“When lost in a forest go always down hill. When lost in a philosophy or doctrine go upward.”

Ambrose Bierce

Source: Epigrams, p. 354

“Revelation, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing.”

Ambrose Bierce book The Devil's Dictionary

The Devil's Dictionary (1911)

“Gallows, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is translated to heaven. ”

Ambrose Bierce book The Devil's Dictionary

The Devil's Dictionary (1911)

“Witch, n. (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.”

Ambrose Bierce book The Devil's Dictionary

The Devil's Dictionary (1911)

“When prosperous the fool trembles for the evil that is to come; in adversity the philosopher smiles for the good that he has had.”

Ambrose Bierce

Source: Epigrams, p. 371

“We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect.”

Ambrose Bierce

Source: Epigrams, p. 354

“Defenceless, adj. Unable to attack.”

Ambrose Bierce book The Devil's Dictionary

The Devil's Dictionary (1911)

“Bacchus, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.”

Ambrose Bierce book The Devil's Dictionary

The Devil's Dictionary (1911)

“Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness.”

Ambrose Bierce book The Devil's Dictionary

The Devil's Dictionary (1911)

“O proud philanthropist, your hope is vain
To get by giving what you lost by gain.”

Ambrose Bierce

Source: Epigrams, p. 349. Previously appeared in "Small Contributions", Cosmopolitan, Vol. 42, No. 6 (April 1907) p. 695.

“Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.”

Ambrose Bierce book The Devil's Dictionary

The Devil's Dictionary (1911)

“Happiness is lost by criticizing it; sorrow by accepting it.”

Ambrose Bierce

Source: Epigrams, p. 371

“The virtues chose Modesty to be their queen.
"I did not know that I was a virtue," she said. "Why did you not choose Innocence?"
"Because of her ignorance," they replied. "She knows nothing but that she is a virtue."”

Ambrose Bierce

Source: Epigrams, p. 358

“Clock, n.: A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.”

Ambrose Bierce book The Devil's Dictionary

The Devil's Dictionary (1911)

“Callous, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.”

Ambrose Bierce book The Devil's Dictionary

The Devil's Dictionary (1911)