The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Context: Brain, n. An apparatus with which we think that we think... In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

“A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something he can see and feel.”

Ambrose Bierce

Source: The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

“Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.”

Ambrose Bierce

The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Source: The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”

Ambrose Bierce

“Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.”

Ambrose Bierce

The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Source: The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary
Context: Cartesian, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author of the celebrated dictum, Cogito ergo sum -- whereby he was pleased to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum might be improved, however, thus: Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.

“Positive, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice.”

Ambrose Bierce

The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Source: The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

“You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are avenged 1440 times a day.”

Ambrose Bierce

Epigrams

“You don't have to be stupid to be a Christian,… but it probably helps.”

Ambrose Bierce

“FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.”

Ambrose Bierce

Source: The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

“Inhumanity, n. One of the signal and characteristic qualities of humanity.”

Ambrose Bierce

Source: The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

“Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.”

Ambrose Bierce

The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Source: The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

“Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.”

Ambrose Bierce book The Devil's Dictionary

Source: The Devil's Dictionary (1911)
Context: Christian, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ so long as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.

“Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.”

Ambrose Bierce