Zach Galifianakis citations

“When you look like I do, it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck E Cheese.”

“I want to combine the NAACP with Mothers Against Drunk Driving. It's called Mothers Against the Advancement of Colored People.”

“Hello, my name is Zach Galifianakis, and I hope I'm pronouncing that right.”

“I wear a lot of Axe body spray, but I live in a black neighborhood. Over there, they call it Ask body spray. If you don't get that joke, then you're not racist.”

“At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?”

“When I was a kid, I had dyslexia. And I would write about it in my dairy.”

“I was named after my grandad. Yes, my name is Zach Grandad Galifianakis.”

“My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron…and a lot like Patrick Ewing.”

“I failed kindergarten because I couldn't spell my last name.”

“Sometimes I order a beet salad, so when the waiter comes and lays down my salad I can say "thanks for laying down those funky beets". It's an expensive joke because I don't even like beets.”

“This is my impression of a Southern woman. "Tsk, I am so mad at the Taliban right now!"”

“Did you ever wake up with an erection…and then you realize you're just in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"”

“I once played charades with a couple that was deaf….. they were amazing. I mean, none of this sounds like business.”

“I call my balls the bush twins.”

“The only good time to say I have diarrhea is during a game of Scrabble, because it's worth a shitload of points.”

“I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are so very mean.”

“That was some really great "fatcting."”

“Here's something you'll never see in Braille: "If you see something, say something."”

“The only time it's ok to yell out 'I have diarrhea' is when you're playing Scrabble…because it's worth a shitload of points.”

“I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.”

“If you love Barry Manilow, you're gonna love the Insane Clown Posse. Love 'em. They're exactly… well, they're not EXACTLY alike, but they're a little bit alike…”

“I'm going to do all new, fresh material…you guys been keeping up with this O. J. thing?”

“You shaved your head for V For Vendetta. Did you also shave your V for Vagina? (to Natalie Portman).”

“Seriously!, this is a DVD! I need dinosaurs, thunder, race wars, something! Dammit, I gotta sell this motherfucker…. 36.63.”