W. C. Fields citations

“If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.”

“Anyone who hates children and dogs can't be all bad.”

“Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.”

“No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.”

“I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.”

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.”

“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”

“It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.”

“I cook with wine, and sometimes I even add it to the food.”

“Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.”

“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”

“I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm so indebted to her for.”

“Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.”

“I like children. If they're properly cooked.”

“If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.”

“Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.”

“Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.”

“Marry an outdoors woman. That way, if you have to throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.”

“I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.”

“Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!”

“I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake… which I also keep handy.”

“The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.”

“Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill?

Oh, thank goodness… I thought I'd lost it.”

“It is funnier to bend things than to break them.”

“You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.”

“You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.”

“Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.”

“I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.”

“Some contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch …”