Stephen Colbert citations

Page 3

“Je dirai que le rire est un remède à tout. Mais c'est même plus que ça. C'est comme un régime entier d'antibiotiques et de corticoïdes. Le rire fait dégonfler notre psyché nationale et il applique par-dessus une crème antibiotique… Manifestement, c'est un défi de faire venir la lumière dans l'obscurité, mais c'est mieux que de rien faire d'autre que pleurer.”

“Mon personnage est arrogant, mal informé, bien-intentionné, mais c'est un imbécile. Et donc on se dit : donnons-lui une promotion!”

“Un beau moment de professionnalisme. Vous passez des années à travailler sur une satire convaincante, et la seule chose que les gens retiennent, c'est que vous faites l'amour à une banane avant d'éclater de rire. Ce qu'on ne voit pas dans la vidéo, c'est que c'est Jon qui a commencé à rire le premier. Et je suis un être faible. Parce que même si je cherche à faire rire le public, ce que je veux vraiment, c'est faire rire Jon.”

“Je ne me vois absolument pas comme un journaliste. Je suis un comédien de bout en bout. Vous pouvez m'ouvrir le bide et compter les lignes de blagues. Si les gens apprennent quelque chose en regardant [The Colbert Report], c'est un dommage collatéral.”

“Le langage a toujours été important en politique, mais il l'est d'autant plus dans la lutte politique actuelle. Parce que si vous décrétez que l'information ne veut rien dire, il n'y a plus de réalité objective. Dans le premier épisode [du Colbert Report] qu'on a fait il y a un an, ça a été notre thèse principale : ce que vous voulez être vrai doit être la seule chose qui importe. Bien sûr, à l'époque, on pensait que c'était une blague.”

“So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.”

“Do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time—of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.”

“I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade… which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.”

“The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear”

“The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.”

“Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.”

“it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.”

“It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.”

“Researchers from Britain's Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel is inversely proportional to the number of middle names you give Jesus.”

“Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway.”

“Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke.”

“NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life,
unfortunately, it won't date them either.”

“I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of.”

“Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.”

“What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns?”

“There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.”

“‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!”

“In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.”

“Think books aren't scary? Well, think about this: You can't spell "Book" without "Boo!”

“I like the fact of John McCain's head being severed. Like that it will fit so much more nicely up George Bush's butt!”

“I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory”

“Oliver Cromwell can kiss my singing emerald scrotum!”

“Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.”

“… why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.”

“Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence… 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.”

“Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done. Except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all.”

“Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.”

“Now I don't know why he's denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law.”

“Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!”