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Ron White citations

Ron White est un comédien américain habitant Fritch, au Texas. Il est membre du Blue Collar Comedy Tour, qui l'aida à s'élever au statut d'acteur à la suite de la parution de la version DVD de cette tournée. Ron est le seul membre de l'équipe de Blue Collar qui n'apparaît pas dans la série télévisée Blue Collar TV; il y fait néanmoins de fréquentes apparition en tant qu'invité. En 2005, Warner Bros produire l'épisode pilote de The Ron White Show, une émission de variété qui présente un mélange d'apparitions fugitives de célébrités dans des spectacles, des films ou des émissions, de dessins animés, et de sketch

Ron White est connu pour fumer le cigare et boire du scotch pendant ses prestations, bien que ses verres de scotch soit suspectés de contenir en réalité du jus de pomme. Wikipedia  

✵ 18. décembre 1956
Ron White photo
Ron White: 45 citations0 J'aime

Ron White: Citations en anglais

“I told my wife, I said, "You get there at 5:30 you can fly with me but let me tell you something Sugar Tits, at 5:31 I am wheels up and I am fucking gone!" ...I said that. Not very loud, but I said it. 5:31 gets there. Is she there? No! Do I leave? ...No! 6:01 gets there. Is she there? No. Do I leave? No. Why? Because this dick won't suck itself, that's why.”

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Ron White

10:29
A Little Unprofessional

“My wife's cooking's gotten a lot better since she learned the smoke alarm wasn't a timer. I had to tell her, "Honey, the food's done before that particular buzzer goes off!"”

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Ron White

They Call Me Tater Salad

“You ever take a crap so big, your pants fit better? Anybody ever do that? You ever…I'm hoping that happens to me later tonight, 'cause these babies don't fit anymore. I'm hoping I'm one big turd away from backing into an old wardrobe.”

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Ron White

They Call Me Tater Salad

“Well, I'll tell you a little bit about myself, uh, my brother's a doctor and my sister's an attorney, and I hate Thanksgiving. Last year, we're sitting around the dining room table, and my brother tells a story about all the neat lives he's saved. My sister tells a story about winning a lawsuit for an orphanage to help the children. Then my mom goes, (archly) "Well, Ron? Is there anything new with your career?" And I go, "Yeah! I got a new bit about sticking my pecker in a toaster!"”

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Ron White

Maybe I should've told my story first.
Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again

“When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Then find someone who's life is givin' them vodka and have a party!”

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Ron White

They Call Me Tater Salad
Variante: I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Source: I Had the Right to Remain Silent...But I Didn't Have the Ability

“You can't fix stupid!”

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Ron White

Source: I Had the Right to Remain Silent...But I Didn't Have the Ability

“My manager will send me anywhere he wants to, 'cause he doesn't have to fuckin' go.”

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Ron White

You Can't Fix Stupid

“You ever see tape of the Kehoe brothers from Ohio, those two guys that get out of that white Suburban, it's been on Cops a few times? Those guys, folks, have a shootout with the police, at point… blank… range—nobody gets hurt. I would love to have been at that office the next day when that guy's being interviewed by the police. "And then what happened?" "Well, at that point, I unloaded my semi-automatic 9 millimeter weapon at point blank range." "And then what happened?" "They… left." Nice shooting, Elmer Fudd. There was a kid in Detroit a few years ago, shot 8 bullets, hit 9 people. These cops fired 22 shots, didn't even hit the fuckin' Suburban!”

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Ron White

They Call Me Tater Salad

“In Texas, we have the death penalty and we use it! That's right. You come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back! That's our policy. They're trying to pass a bill right now through the Texas legislature that will speed up the process of execution in heinous crimes where there's more than 3 credible eyewitnesses. That means that if three or more people saw you do what you did, you don't sit on Death Row for 15 years, Jack! You go straight to the front of the line. Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty. My state's putting in the express lane!”

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Ron White

They Call Me Tater Salad

“[About airports with advanced equipment] You know, you can have fun with that if you do it like I do. I take two Viagra and demand a pat down. "What's that in your pants, Mr. White?" "I have no idea. You're gonna need to pat that down… Pat it back up again… Give it a couple twists. See if it's connected to anything… You might wanna go wash your hands."”

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Ron White

A Little Unprofessional

“One time, my wife said to me, [imitating his wife] "Honey, the dryer is broken." [as himself] Did you check the lint trap? [imitating his wife with a clueless face] Sit down, honey, I'll check it. [as his wife] "Was there anything in there?" [as himself] There's a quilt in there. Look! You made a sofa cushion.”

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Ron White

They Call Me Tater Salad

“I was once offered a 3-way in Austin, and I turned it down because it was one of those deals where it was two dudes and…me. I don't even watch Two and a Half Men.”

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Ron White

A Little Unprofessional

“The DeBeers people are almost saying what they really mean. You remember the old DeBeers slogan, "Diamonds are forever." Then they changed it to "This year, take her breath away." The new slogan is "Diamonds. Render her speechless." Why don't they just come out and say it: "Diamonds. That'll shut her up."”

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Ron White

They Call Me Tater Salad

“I'd like to start off by telling you some great news. I got approved for a new reality show—it's an extreme makeover show for middle-aged lesbians, called "This Old Bull-Dyke". We already have a sponsor, too- Wolverine steel-toed boots has picked it up. We had another title, but the censors nixed it; it was originally going to be called, "Pimp My Muff!"”

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Ron White

Behavioral Problems

“I like to keep the inside of the house between 70 and 75 degrees. My ex-wife liked to keep the inside of the house between 75 and a hundred and fuckin' ten. And you can't keep Tater Salad at that temperature.”

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Ron White

They Call Me Tater Salad

“If I could give advice to the planet, it would be; don't marry for looks alone, going either way, and I'll tell you why. In a few years, if Barbara's boobs start to sag too much, there's a place you can go where they can just lift 'em right back up to where they were. And they can point the nipple wherever they want 'em. You can actually go to a titty bar, pick out a set of titties and say, "I want those titties on that woman right there." If her belly gets too big and she don't wanna work it off, you can go get a tummy tuck- they'll give you a belly that looks like a cheerleader. You know, if your eyes start to go bad, you can have Lasik surgery and they can give you 20/20 vision at any age. If your hearing starts to fail, they can put a device in your ear that'll make you able to hear as good as you could the day you were born. But let me tell you something, folks… you can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take, there's not a class you can go to. Stupid is fo-evah.”

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Ron White

You Can't Fix Stupid

“I have Attention Deficit Disorder. I have learning disabilities. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper. I do have a GED, and if you don't know what GED stands for…you probably got one, too.”

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Ron White

A Little Unprofessional

“When my wife told me that she was anal, I thought, "Great." Turns out, there are two different kinds of "anal"… And she's the wrong one.”

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Ron White

Behavioral Problems

“The next time you have a thought…let it go.”

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Ron White

You Can't Fix Stupid

“We take the money we make from selling the rest of Florida to Israel, we buy Mexico, fix it up and flip it!”

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Ron White

Behavioral Problems

“Yesterday, I was sitting on a beanbag chair naked, eating Cheetos and… [audience cheers], I was flippin' through the television and I saw Robert Tilton. He's a televangelist from Dallas, and uh, he was staring at me. And he said this. He said, "Are you lonely?" [shrugs] Yeah. "Have you spent half your life in bars, pursuing sins of the flesh?" [Takes a sip of his drink]This guy's good! "Are you sitting in a beanbag chair, naked, eating Cheetos?" [shocked look] YES, SIR! "Do you feel the urge to get up and send me a thousand dollars?" Close! I thought he was talking about me there for a second! Apparently, I'm ain't the only cat on the block that digs Cheetos.”

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Ron White

They Call Me Tater Salad

“[on vegetarianism] I didn't climb to the top of the fuckin' food chain to eat carrots.”

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Ron White

They Call Me Tater Salad

“I got my wife breast implants for her birthday. I've never been a big fan of plastic surgery, but I gotta admit, I've had a lot of fun playing with these things. I haven't given them to her yet…[Audience cheers] I just keep 'em on my tour bus and just rub 'em in my face…I'm glad they clean up easy. [Audience groans] WHAT?! I'm just glad they are not made out of corduroy, that's all I'm saying! I'd have to have 'em Scotchgarded. [imitates spraying Scotchgard on implants] I find it a little ironic that the product that I use to keep from ruining my sofa should spill my drink on it is actually called…Scotch-guard. [Audience cheers] Sometimes, things just work out perfect, don't they? "Yeah, I'm looking for a product that'll protect my sofa should I spill my Scotch on it. What'd ya have?" [imitates clerk turning to look at stock] "We've got Scotch-guard." "Yeah, let's go with that. Do you have Vodka-guard? How about Sperm-guard?"”

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Ron White

It's a busy couch.
Behavioral Problems

“Some friends of mine asked me if I wanted to go to a strip club, and I didn't… want to go. But I ended up going, 'cause—back me up on this, fellas—once you've seen one woman naked, you… wanna see the rest of 'em naked. It can be an old biker chick, you know they're gonna hang down to here. "Wanna see my titties!?" "Yeah, I do!" [cringes] "All right, that's enough, roll 'em back up!" [imitates her rolling her breasts back up and sealing them in place. ] The things that make you go [shudders]”

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Ron White

They Call Me Tater Salad

“I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.”

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Ron White

They Call Me Tater Salad

“I'm standing in line. I got a first class ticket. And I get up to the front of the line and there isn't anybody there. It's just a kiosk with a computer terminal. And I'm not good at computers. And I don't wanna touch this thing, 'cause it's got grease and dirt and what I only pray to Jesus is meringue.”

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Ron White

Behavioral Problems

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