Robin Williams citations

Page 2

“Thank you. How-DY! Whoops, wrong opera house. How do you like the play, Mr. Lincoln? Duck!”

“I was on this German talk show and this woman said to me, she said, "Mr. Williams, why do you think there's not so much comedy in Germany?" I said, "Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?" [laughter and applause] And…it was…and here's where it got interesting. She didn't bat an eyelash. She just went "No". At that point, even God's going, "Do you get it?!"”

“They call it freebasing. It's not free, it costs you your house! It should be called home basing! Three signs you're addicted to cocaine: First of all, if you come home to your house and you have no furniture and your cat's going "I'm outta here, prick!," Warning! Number two: If you have this dream where you're doing cocaine in your sleep and you can't fall asleep, and you wake up and you're doing cocaine, BINGO! Number three: if on your tax form it says, "$50,000 for snacks," MAYDAY!”

“(Imitating Royal Family) I've tell you we've not been inbred but don't look at the ears. That's all we can do is screw in a light bulb. Look at the teeth, look at the ears and go, something's gone wrong. Gene pool is a jacuzzi back up.”

“[On football] You're playing a game against a man called the Refrigerator! He's not a refrigerator – he's a goddamn HOUSE with LEGS!!”

“Twitter broke the other day, and a lot of people were going, "My Thumbs! My thumbs are moving for no reason! What's that?" "A book". "Who are you?"”

“My God, what am I doing here? It's weird. How do you get to the Met? Money! Lots and lots of money! I can imagine Pavarotti next door at the improv going, "Two Jews walk into a bar…"”

“The sound crapped out for a bit, that's why I'm using SupposiSound! No one wants their tapes back, I wonder why.”

“My favorite athletes of any Olympics are always the African distance runners. You never have to drug test an African distance runner.
"Are you on drugs?"
"No, I'm looking for food."
And I'm sure in Kenya they have a chicken that can run a sub 2-hour marathon…. One of my favorite runners of all time was Abebe Bikila. He was an Ethiopian distance runner and he won the Rome Olympics [marathon] running barefoot. He was then sponsored by Adidas. He ran the next Olympics, he carried the fuckin' shoes. No performance enhancement there.”

“(Imitating Pavarotti) "It is amazing I know it is huge. BEHOLD IT. IT IS GROWING. ALL OF MY PHALLUS IS A SHOWING!"”

“When I was growing up they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer…”

“There was an old, crazy dude who used to live a long time ago. His name was Lord Buckley. And he said, a long time ago, he said, "People: They're kinda like flowers and it's been a privilege walking in your garden."”

“We were talking briefly about cocaine…yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!”

“Nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here! Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.”

“I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.”

“Now, Michael is claiming racism. I'm going, "Honey, you gotta pick a race first." Baby, what are you claiming, mistreatment of elves? What are you saying?”

“The professor was on acid, and sometimes he'd shout, "I'm Lincoln!" And then, there'd be a kid in the back, "I'm Booth!"”

“Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's 5:00 in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."”

“[spoofing Mister Rogers] It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood… oh, damn, someone stole my sneakers. Let's do some wonderful things today, boys and girls; but first, do you mind if I take some more medication? It helps the day go a little bit slower. There we go. Now we're gonna do some wonderful experiments you can do around the house. Let's put Mr. Hamster in the microwave, okay?… He knows where he's going. BEEP! Pop goes the weasel! That's severe radiation. Can you say "severe radiation?"”

“No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.”

“If alcohol is a crutch, then Jack Daniels is the wheelchair.”