Rita Rudner citations

“I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.”

“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.”

“I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen”

“A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.”

“Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.”

“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”

“How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue… and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?”

“I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.”

“Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.”

“Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men — how about "New Car Interior?"”

“Well, the old theory was "marry an older man because they're more mature". But the new theory is "men don't mature — marry a young one".”

“We did long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we decided to buy a dog. Cheaper, and… get more feet.”

“I had teeth that stuck out so far, I used to eat other kids' candy bars by accident.”

“[One of my friends] was in labor for 36 hours. (I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.)”

“To me, life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.”

“Nobody is really happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind.”

“I don't even know how this word came into being: "aerobics". I guess gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge ten dollars an hour, we can't call it 'jumping up and down'."”

“I don't even know how this word came into being: "aerobics."”