Nicole Hollander citations

Page 2

“(Woman in office) Help, I am a rich woman being kept prisoner in a working woman's body.”

“(Voice on television) Honey, I love you, but I got to be moving on. (Sylvia) Break his kneecaps.”

“(Television) A recent study concludes that women over 40 have statistically as much chance of getting killed by a terrorist as of getting married. (Sylvia) And would rather.”

“(Signs on refrigerator) Could be a leftover tuna casserole inside…Or one of those pesky, black…U. N. helicopters.”

“(Cartoon title) Don't throw that old diaphragm away! (Sylvia at typewriter) Because it can be used as: 1. Doorknob cover (no need to worry about fingerprints ever again) 2. Bathtub stopper 3) Rainhat for cat 4. Small frisbee.”

“(Mary Frances) …look-alike wives for humiliating public appearances…The pseudo-wife's job is to look supportive, while the real spouse is at home throwing his stuff out the window.”

“(Sylvia to Venusian Gernif): What would happen if you wore a dress? Well, some people would invite you to parties. And some people would attempt to beat you to death.”

“(Sylvia) You almost never see a real lady popping out of a cake.”

“(Man at bar) You know the kind of woman I could really go for?... Someone intelligent, witty, passionate about her work, totally involved in life, and willing to give it all up for me.”

“(Man at dinner table) Bet you don't know what a male swan is called. (Woman at dinner table) Sure I do. A swine.”

“(Sylvia) Things you can do when you’re a grown-up:....3) Default on a home equity loan and lose everything.”

“(Man in suit to Indian woman) Oh guru, ancient mother of the world, we men have been crippled. We have never learned how to feel; we don't even know how to cry. Oh my wise guru, can you teach me to cry? (Guru) Sure. No problem. Tomorrow I'll start you at a dead-end job, pay you at women's wages and then I'll throw in sole support of a pre-school child.”

“(Television) Men are naturally more aggressive than women. (Sylvia) All the more reason to keep them locked up after dark.”

“(First Bad Girl) Conservatives say gay marriage undermines the institution of marriage....(Second Bad Girl) The minute women got driver's licenses, marriage was doomed.”

“(Sylvia) Rita, I want to have my cake and eat it too. (Rita) Sorry, Ma, it only works for Republicans.”

“(Doctor in bed) I dreamt I died and went to Heaven and they handed me some old Ms. magazines, a paper sheet, and made me sit in a little room with a bunch of other doctors.”

“(Television) Humor will never be the same. Sarcasm, irony, and cynicism will disappear. (Sylvia) Right. I'm having mine surgically removed. (Rita) Ma, cut it out!”

“(Sylvia at typewriter) The best place to discuss your sexual dissatisfaction with your partner is 1) in the bedroom 2) in a car, traveling at high speed 3) in a crowded elevator.”

“(First woman)…Men lose their sense of humor as they get older…their brains shrink…So men will be getting grumpier, just as we're getting…(Second woman) Shorter.”

“(Sylvia) A cat who’s just been told that he’ll have to eat that special canned cat food that comes from the veterinarian for the rest of his life. (Cat) Shoot me now.”

“(Sylvia) Yes, feminism was the apple Eve bit into.”

“(Sylvia) I'm planning to live fast, die young, and make a good looking corpse. (Bartender Harry) I think you're off schedule.”

“(Woman organizing picnic) Most normal people would agree that pizza is nature's perfect food, right?”

“(Sylvia) In the beginning Eve was alone in Eden. (Eve) Everything is so beautiful and amicable. (Serpent) I bet deep down, you wish you had an irritating companion.”

“(Sylvia) Rita! Get my smelling salts! (Rita) Ma, you used them up when you discovered that repeal of the estate tax benefits only the very, very rich.”

“(Sylvia) There’s not enough coffee in the whole world to turn me into a functional human being.”

“(Television) Angry women beat up shoe salesman who posed as gynecologist. (Sylvia) I hate guys who do that.”

“(Television) Our station is experiencing technical difficulties, so please try and amuse yourselves in whatever way you did before you became so emotionally dependent on us.”

“(Woman psychic) In June of 1987, men will begin talking about their feelings; women all over America will be sorry within minutes.”