Mitch Hedberg citations

“I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.”

“I'd like to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real fuckin' big!”

“I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."”

“I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.”

“Yeah, this comedy is all a part of my “Get Rich Slow” scheme… and it’s working.”

“Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way."”

“I saw a sheet lying on the floor, it must have been a ghost that had passed out… So I kicked it.”

“If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-forward the parade.”

“I was at the airport a while back and some guy said "Hey man, I saw you on TV last night." But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he was just confirming that he saw me on television. So I turned my head away for about a minute, and looked back at him and said "Dude! I saw you at the airport… About a minute ago… And you were good."”

“I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it so I'd buy a baby naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.”

“You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.”

“See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my old CD into a store is if I were to take one in and leave it. Then the guys says "Sir, you forgot this!" "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."”

“I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.”

“If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. "Come on 'long prosperous life!'"”

“I'm an ice sculptor - last night I made a cube.”

“You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green"… Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people!”

“A guy told me he liked cherries… But… I waited to see if he was gonna say tomato… Before I realized he likes cherries just… All right, that joke is ridiculous. That's like a carbon copy of the previous joke but with different ingredients. I don't know what I was trying to pull off there.”

“I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin'…potato chips came out, man, because they had an "HH" button for Christ's sake! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH."”

“I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.”

“Audience Member: Hey Mitch, I got something to put in that pipe for ya!”

“I had a piece of Carefree Sugarless gum and I was still worried. It never kicked in, I took it back to the store and said "Bullshit!"”

“I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.”

“This shirt is "dry-clean only"… Which means it's dirty.”

“I've always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist… Alright.”

“I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.”

“If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity.”

“You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob," right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn", and they should call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm "Mitch", but then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together."”

“When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. "Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter." But I like crackers man, that's why I bought it, 'cause I like crackers! I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! You've got no faith in the product itself.”

“To the people in the bathroom: How's it going in there?”