Jon Stewart citations

Page 3

“And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a f**k.”

“We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.”

“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.”

“It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.”

“When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways?”

“What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?”

“You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.”

“The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.”

“Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out.
I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq.
We've been following time as it goes forward.
What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11.”

“The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness.”

“It's like hunting cows”

“You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect.”

“No one is better at not beating America than England.”

“I don't know what all the controversy is about, quite frankly. I've met Eminem, I met him backstage, and he's really gay.”

“[with Stephen Colbert, after presenting the award for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series to Ricky Gervais and being informed that Gervais was not there] Ricky Gervais couldn't be here tonight, so instead we're going to give this to our friend Steve Carell.”

“30 AD: Death penalty debate heats up after controversial execution of alleged "Son of God."”

“Did you really just ask me if I want it to be bad? I have kids! What do you think? "Yeah, I don't want them to have any kind of a -- I want things to corrode to the point where we're all living in huts." […] [I] "like things to go a little wrong" like birdshot to the face of a guy that would survive, not "like things to go wrong" till it's like Mad Max, every-man-for-himself-let's-all-ride-around-and-machine-guns, which seems to be the way that it's”

“You wake up and you're still a little drunk and you can't believe that hot girl from last night actually has a beard and a penis.”

“There are terrorists and racists and Stalinists and theocrats, but those are titles that must be earned. You must have the resume. Not being able to distinguish between real racists and tea partiers, or real bigots and Juan Williams and Rick Sanchez is an insult — not only to those people, but to the racists themselves, who have put forth the exhausting effort it takes to hate. Just as the inability to distinguish between terrorists and Muslims makes us less safe, not more.”

“If you want to know why I’m here and what I want from you I can only assure you this: you have already given it to me. Your presence was what I wanted. Sanity will always be and has always been in the eye of the beholder. To see you here today and the kind of people that you are has restored mine. Thank you.”

“I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something."”

“Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.”

“Good evening everybody, ladies, gentlemen… Felicity.”

“If Obama's a tyrant, he's a pretty tame tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they can't get cloture?”

“Dedication: To the huddled masses, keep yearnin!”

“What is the fear of the "gay agenda" that has so upset people? Do people think that if gay people are given a place at the table, they'll be so convincing we'll all end up blowing them? What is the issue? "You know, I'm straight, but you've made such a convincing argument…"”

“For those of you who are keeping score at home, I just want to make something very clear: Martin Scorsese, zero Oscars. Three 6 Mafia, one.”

“Everybody thought Barack Obama was going to [inspire people] when he came to Washington, but, you know, the Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.”

“Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.”