Henny Youngman citations

“When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading”

“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.”

“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.”

“Some have been thought brave because they were afraid to run away.”

“If at first you don't succeed… So much for skydiving.”

“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.”

“A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.”

“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.”

“I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother”

“My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.”

“My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.”

“My wife told me the car wasn't running well. There was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.”

“My first Hollywood picture wasn't released, it escaped.”

“Business was so bad the other night the orchestra was playing "Tea for One."”

“I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.”

“My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.”

“Take my wife - please!”