George Burns citations

“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”

“Happiness is having a loving, close knit family in another city.”

“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”

“If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.”

“You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.”

“I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.”

“Sincerity - if you can fake that, you've got it made.”

“I'd rather be a failure at something I enjoy than a success at something I hate.”

“I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.”

“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.”

“Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.”

“Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.”

“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.”

“I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.”

“No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.”

“You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.”

“Young. Old. Just Words.”

“At my age, all my friends, doctors, and attorneys are dead. The good thing about this is that there's no one left who can refute my stories.”

“When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.”

“I've had worried parents come up to me and ask me for advice. They'll say "I don't know what to do. My teenage son won't cut his hair, he drives too fast, and I don't know what that stuff is he listens to, but it sure isn't music." I'll just say to them "I wouldn't lose any sleep over it. By the time he's my age, I don't think you'll need to worry about him anymore."”

“If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I'd sleep with it.”