Frankie Boyle citations

“Apparently they're going to bring in 'Super Asbos'. But 'Asbos' already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them 'Gaybos' or 'Bender Badges'.”

“I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think…is there nothing on the internet that I won’t masturbate to?”

“3 Million for the funeral of Margaret Thatcher? For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.”

“When I was about 8 or 9, I was a massive Michael Jackson fan and I wish I had known at the time that I was his type.”

“[Talking about Richard Hammond's high-speed dragster crash] That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day. [Mimicking Richard Hammond] "She was wearing black… or was it red? Am I married?"”

“The thing that nobody really said about Rebecca Adlington is that she looks pretty weird. She looks like someone who's looking at themselves in the back of a spoon.”

“I thought it was sad, you know, that they had that pop concert to commemorate Diana. I mean, she didn't have much to do with pop music, did she? They should've done something that celebrated what was really great about her life: By staging a gangbang in a minefield.”

“Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! An Alcoholic racist!”

“I wish the Queen had died the night before the Royal Jubilee – I wish she’d just fucking died. But they wouldn’t have been able to tell us that she’d died. They would have had to hollow out her body and get that guy who plays Gollum to wear it.”

“["Lines you wouldn't hear in a superhero movie"] Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Whatever it is it's heading straight for the World Trade Center!”

“["Lines you wouldn't hear in a superhero movie"] What's that Joker, you'll be back? Somehow I don't think you will be.”

“There is a vegetarian option: you can fuck off.”

“Frankie Boyle: Britain, as a culture, runs on hypocrisy. David Cameron went to Sri Lanka. He told the Sri Lankans off for human rights abuses that they committed with weapons the Britain sold to them! Like Ronald McDonald calling you a fat bastard.”

“Frankie Boyle: If you get offended by any jokes, by the way, feel free to Tweet your outrage on a mobile phone made by a ten year old in China.”

“Frankie Boyle: We had the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow this year. A great choice of venue: a place where people think Hepatitis B is a vitamin.”

“Frankie Boyle: Thanks to Phill, Goldie and Miles, Noel, Professor Green and Michelle. This has been a disaster. Good night!”

“Frankie Boyle: So, those are our teams. No wonder Simon Amstell left.”

“Apparently Jordan and Peter Andre are fighting each other over custody of Harvey, well eventually one of them’ll lose and have to keep him. I have a theory that Jordan married a cage fighter cause she needed someone strong enough to stop Harvey from fucking her.”

“There's two empty seats right middle - this is supposed to be sold out, where are they? I hope they're dead in a fucking car crash!”

“You've got a blank face there pal, if you hold that expression for long enough you'd get fucking switched off.”

“I do think that getting a dog says something about you, it says; I'm so lonely that I could pick up shit.”

“Men don't have to assess women, that's why we can objectify them so quickly. On some level, we don't really give a fuck. A man can see a woman with a heavy cold and all he'd think would be "I would rattle that fucking phlegm loose."”

“People get the wrong idea about me, they think I'm depressed or something - I'm not depressed. I don't wish that I was dead, I wish... that you were all dead.”